A day of reflection

I am a very private person, so it feels strange to be writing this.  But I think there is healing in sharing, not just for the writer but also for the reader.  So here is my story......

In January of this year I suffered my second miscarriage.  I was 11 weeks pregnant and an ultrasound revealed that my babies heart had stopped 2 days before.

Today is significant because it would have been my babies birthday.  

There are many milestones to be passed both in pregnancy and in miscarriage, my due date was the last in my journey.  Grief is a funny thing, sometimes we surprise ourselves with how well we are coping, and sometimes it just sneaks up and crushes us with its relentless ferocity.

I have surprised myself, I am coping just fine.  I have spent the last couple of days reflecting on how things would have been, how different I would look, and how much I have missed.

There are a few things I have learnt in my 9 month journey:

1.  Bad things happen to the best of people.  Sometimes these are out of our control, and no amount of bargaining, blaming or anger will change this.  

2.  It's just as important to forgive ourselves as it is others

3.  Tragedy gives us two choices - we can either survive or surrender.  I choose to survive.

4.  Be nice to strangers, we never know what impact our words will have on others.  Some of the kindest words I received were from people I had never met before, although they will never know it - their kindness got me through some of the toughest days.

5.  Priorities - it's not about how much money we make, or the status of our jobs.  At the end of the day family comes first.

6.  The importance of passion - channelling the grief you feel from loss into something you are passionate about, is not only healing, but also provides us with the ability to succeed beyond any measures.

7.  Sometimes tragedy opens the doors we never knew were shut.  Under the instruction of my Dr's, family and partner I was told to slow down.  I gave up a job that had defined me.  I found my passion, and I took my hobbie of soap making to the next level. 

8.  Stop and smell the Roses - there is beauty in many things, and sometimes the simplest things like a sunset, cooking a meal, watching the rain or spending time in the garden can be overlooked when we preoccupy ourselves with things that don't really matter.

So these are my reflections.  It seems my journey is only just beginning and I love where it is taking me.  With every batch I make I am reminded of the road I have taken and as I dedicate every bar I make to the baby I have lost, I know that I am making the best out of a bad situation.

I had scattered a few tulips through the garden a couple of months ago.  I couldn't remember where I had planted them.  Yesterday I found this one.  It seems to fit here for some reason or another.